I'm a difficult friend...

I can only imagine that I'm a difficult friend to have...

I'm not nasty, or malodorous, at least as far as I know...

But I do maintain a certain distance, I think it's partly because of my work, there is a difficulty with managing people who you'd rather be friends with.

So, it's easier to be their manager and not be their friend. In fact I specialise in the art of the distance. It's a little bit of smart mouth, a touch of disappearance and a smidgeon of not responding to calls / texts.

Oh and rarely making public appearances.

It's trying never to be drunk in company, it's watching how much you reveal about your personal life and it's about careful misdirection of conversations, usually through humour.

The question is whether this distancing is work related, or has it been a life long thing?

My mother used to say that I made friends easily, I suspect every mother says / wishes that.

But, it's true. I get on well with most people, I guess I have a certain oily charm.

The problem is, I retreat then, I step back and I drift away.

I do it to friends, I most definitely do it in relationships.

I don't really know why. Sometimes, I just prefer to be by myself, living in my head, having quiet and space. Maybe, because I work in a "soft skilled" industry and I spend a lot of my day adjusting behaviours and sidestepping egos. But I don't think that's the real reason.

I'm happiest in my own head. Odd, but true.

So, all my life I've drifted off, leaving in the dead of night, metaphorically, slipping loose from the moorings and setting off across a new horizon. I have made and lost friends, started and never finshed relationships, had more great first dates than I could count...

But some people are relentless. The small but ferocious band of friends I have amaze me. They just will not let go. They persist beyond all reasonable effort, to the point where I eventually ask myself, "what exactly am I resisting?"

That is the mystery, I like these people, damm it, I love some of them, I am amazed at their persistence, curious as to what they see in me that is worth pursuing...

Some, prod me, poke me and drive me to do things I like doing. Like posting here.

Some, push me, challenge me and try to break me out of my gloomy rut.

Some, I've left behind and wish I hadn't.

It bothers me, in my secret heart, I wonder if I'm missing something, am I wired wrongly? Why, when I have the social skills, do I prefer to hide, to duck and skulk?

And why in God's name do Paul and the rest persist?

All I can say, is, Thanks