Itunes is more depressed than I am...

I posted earlier today from London...

Now, I'm back in Dublin.

This has been an hellacious week. Stress, anxiety and very little sleep because of the insane pressure that I've been witness to...

It's exhausting.

And I know that in some ways the week ahead is worse...

So, I put on Itunes when I got home, and brought the bottle of grappa and a shot glass upstairs with me. I need to stop thinking for a while.

My first choice of song, Bob Dylan "It Ain't me babe" - probably tells you more than you need to know about where my head is it.

And true to the mysterious game I was introduced to in one of those two room pubs in the back of beyond in Kildare, Ipod Iching, the next song up?

Joy Division, "Love will Tear Us Apart"

Have you played Ipod Iching? You ask the Ipod a question, then you set it to random and click next...

It doesn't always work. But, it you've been drinking and are in that place, where everything is crowded with meaning that will evaporate in the morning, it can seem fleetingly profound.

I struggled to assign meaning to the third song briefly - Gorillaz, "Dirty Harry" - but with a chorus, sung by children of "you need a gun to keep yourself from harm" meaning quickly suggests itself...

And, because Itunes, knows that I'm effectively live blogging it's choices, now it's playing Radiohead "Bones", which I blogged about only last week...


Inchoate is a word that has been floating through my head... It is a word that for me is always attached to the word rage...

Inchoate rage. Incipient or imperfectly formed.

That's me that is. Anger floods through my mind, dark thoughts of vengeance against an enemy who is not mine, impotent and crushing worry and despair.

Itunes has provided The Beatles and "A Day in the Life"... It's not really trying to lift the mood is it?

Like everyone else, I don't know where my breaking point is, but I'm starting to feel I can see it from here...

This week, Thursday in fact, the single biggest day in my working life happens. I have to have fixed the problem I have by then. The figures will be analysed, there will be phonecalls, it may be the point of breaking.

Frankly, I have nothing left to break...

And the last word from Itunes?

We're waiting... and it's stupid, childish and superstitious to say... We're hoping...

The song, flooding from the speakers? Cocteau Twins, "Cherry Coloured Funk", a song, that for me is rich in sadness, happiness and mystery... A good place to end.