Pistachios and Porn
Well, that was the first title that came into my head...
Somebody pointed out that I don't blog anymore...
It's true...
The simple version is that I find myself crushed by the weight of expectation at work and deeply challenged by the weird rollercoaster that my personal life is on...
In fact, I don't really seem to have a life at the moment.
It feels like I live bits of other peoples.
I have a challenging job, I'm not a heart surgeon, nor do I regularly save the financial markets through some staggering work of non theft... In fact at the end of the day, my principle source of income is a very odd set of skills.
This gives me very little comfort.
I think I'm good at what I do, but what I do is terribly subjective.
At the end of the day, its cultural value is minimal, but the pressure is intense.
On good days, I can feel like I made some kind of a difference.
However, things have not been good in a small but highly significant part of the empire I am custodian of. Let's pretend that I work for a Billionaire, who had a pet project. His pet project is not going well. I have to fix it. There are phonecalls and a certain level of expectation. It's not entirely easy.
Now, every time my phone rings, it could be either the Billionaire or his Chief Lieutenant. They won't be happy, if history has taught me anything.
This places a certain anxiety around my phone. So, in fact, I really have stopped using it, I rarely send texts or make calls that are not work related.
All of this sounds unpleasant when I write it down... Maybe it is unpleasant.
It is coming to a head, there are two significant events in the next two to three weeks. And always, always, always, there lurks a fear that my skills will not be sufficient and that the mythical axe will fall and I will be cast adrift.
The problem is that I don't know what else I could do.
Nor, do I know how I would replace the income I get paid for the extensive, elaborate and torturous existence that I lead.
At one point, my theory was that I should become a taxi driver, as the worst things that would happen would be that
a) I would be stabbed and robbed
or
b) someone would puke on me
Neither of these carries anything like the weight of expectation that I struggle with now.
All of which takes us back around to the title of the post. I find myself on a Monday night, unable to sleep, wound up and home too late for dinner, so I'm eating pistachios and contemplating porn.
It occurs, that overall, I may not be leading the full and wholesome life I dreamt of as a child.
Somebody pointed out that I don't blog anymore...
It's true...
The simple version is that I find myself crushed by the weight of expectation at work and deeply challenged by the weird rollercoaster that my personal life is on...
In fact, I don't really seem to have a life at the moment.
It feels like I live bits of other peoples.
I have a challenging job, I'm not a heart surgeon, nor do I regularly save the financial markets through some staggering work of non theft... In fact at the end of the day, my principle source of income is a very odd set of skills.
This gives me very little comfort.
I think I'm good at what I do, but what I do is terribly subjective.
At the end of the day, its cultural value is minimal, but the pressure is intense.
On good days, I can feel like I made some kind of a difference.
However, things have not been good in a small but highly significant part of the empire I am custodian of. Let's pretend that I work for a Billionaire, who had a pet project. His pet project is not going well. I have to fix it. There are phonecalls and a certain level of expectation. It's not entirely easy.
Now, every time my phone rings, it could be either the Billionaire or his Chief Lieutenant. They won't be happy, if history has taught me anything.
This places a certain anxiety around my phone. So, in fact, I really have stopped using it, I rarely send texts or make calls that are not work related.
All of this sounds unpleasant when I write it down... Maybe it is unpleasant.
It is coming to a head, there are two significant events in the next two to three weeks. And always, always, always, there lurks a fear that my skills will not be sufficient and that the mythical axe will fall and I will be cast adrift.
The problem is that I don't know what else I could do.
Nor, do I know how I would replace the income I get paid for the extensive, elaborate and torturous existence that I lead.
At one point, my theory was that I should become a taxi driver, as the worst things that would happen would be that
a) I would be stabbed and robbed
or
b) someone would puke on me
Neither of these carries anything like the weight of expectation that I struggle with now.
All of which takes us back around to the title of the post. I find myself on a Monday night, unable to sleep, wound up and home too late for dinner, so I'm eating pistachios and contemplating porn.
It occurs, that overall, I may not be leading the full and wholesome life I dreamt of as a child.
posted by Conformist No. 1 | 2:47 PM
4 Comments:
Just remember there's people out there only too happy to go out on the gargle, tell you how wrong you are to be supporting the football team you support for example while entertaining you with stories they've heard about the Billionaire from dodgy politicians and Leinster Rugby fans.........
Who does lead the life the dreamt of leading? "they" say ture happiness is embracing the things you have....? You are living this life for a reason, and maybe you need to look into your heart and see what drew you into the position you are in now.
I've had to think a lot about these kind of things recently and acceptance is really the only way to be happy, acceptance for your current situation, acceptance for your role in puting you in the situation you are in. Hope fro the future and a desire for change are important but they are pointless if you can't accept your now!
Glad you are blogging again, missed you!
I missed your writing too. I started writing a diary again a few months ago for the first time in years and it's been very theraputic. Keep it up.
I had a very similar sounding pressure on my previous job (worked in construction). I worried night and day about the job, what I had done, hadn't done, whether it impacted on other people and even their safety. I worked long, long hours and often arived home crying. I DREADED the phone going off because it always seemed to be bad news. Anyway what I found was that the pressure was never going to go away, every job would be similar but I would be able to handle it better as each job went on. I think knowing that the pressure would eventually end helped me cope with it too. Hopefully you'll come out the far side of all the stress soon and have the kinda life you want.
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