Blogging about Blogging

It always seems that Blogs about Blogging are frowned upon.

I know anytime I have posted previously about the difficulties or otherwise in posting, older, wiser Bloggers, shake their heads and tut tut about introspective navel gazing... Then they usually ask why I'm not using Typepad and why I don't post more often...

Still though, sometimes I need to write things down to work them out.

And writing them down in a word document and saving it on my laptop doesn't seem to have the same power as writing them down and placing them in the public eye.

Yet, when I come to write stuff specifically for a blog, I am always hamstrung by self consciousness...

So, I write glib posts about non important matters.

I've tried the secret blog - and I just re-read the posts on it - I was certainly very honest, but it's difficult to imagine anyone reading it...

I need to get beneath my skin and let the things in my head out... A fine mixed metaphor...

This morning on the plane, I was thinking about the way I live my life.

The simple version is that I always sit in the aisle seat. This morning's flight was not that full and I was seated in what would normally be the business section, so I was in a two seat row. Just an aisle seat and a window seat.

I had of course checked in two hours early, which meant I got up at 5am.

Anyway, I was sitting in my aisle seat, the guy beside me was sitting in his window seat.

The following points of difference unfolded during the flight...

HIM
Window Seat
Pushed seat back
Had two glasses of Red Wine
Bought E160 headphones on the way through the airport
Stared out the window at quite spectacular views
Went to the loo twice

ME
Aisle Seat
Kept seat upright
Drank Water
Bought nothing
Read book, stared at nothing
Went to the loo once

Anyway, the point was, he seemed to be living more of a life than me.

I sometimes feel like I live my life like a part time freelance person.

Not really committing to anything, always waiting for something to happen, never actually in the moment, putting up with things but not doing anything

It's like how I behave with money - I worry about it incessantly but I don't actually plan or act on any of my worries

Or my job, somehow in my head it's a temporary thing - so much so that I haven't even signed up for frequent flyer clubs - because I don't really think I'll be doing it for long enough to benefit... This is after 13 months of pretty much continuous travel.

I don't know how to get out of this cycle of stop start, temporary living.

I need to sit in the window seat more often

The Older I get

The older I get, the more I learn about people - and the more I realise, how little I actually know.

For years I think I've listened to people, but not really heard what they say.

I know what they are trying to say, or so I think, then I filter that through my own needs and concerns and carry on doing what I was doing anyway.

I don't really listen.

I know this, because I found when I actually do listen to someone, pay attention to what they are saying, think about why they are saying and ask myself what made them say it in the first place, my reaction is usually about 180 degrees different from what it would be otherwise.

I say this, I know this, I've learnt this, but it is still very hard to put it into practice.

And when I look back at my life and the mistakes I've made and the stupid things I've done and the time I've wasted - I wonder whether things would have been different if I had listened more...

Could I have fixed things that are now broken forever?

Could I have lived a better life - or made life easier for other people around me?

Could I still be friends with all the people I just drifted away from?

I don't know how to go back and fix things - and I have no confidence that I won't keep making the same mistakes over and over and over again.

Sometimes it's only when you see other people heading down the same torturous path you've already stumbled along - that you realise, you can't change other people, you can't even change yourself.

All you can do is listen and at least try to learn.

One day, maybe I'll be a better person - Some days I struggle just to be me.